


Clearing the Haze

by eyekaros



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Also they're all gay, And a bunch of them are trans, Anime: The iDOLM@STER SideM, Evan is 2 seconds away from a meltdown, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I crave the sweet relief of my bed but alas I write weeb shit instead, I hc half of 315Pro as autistic and you can pry this from my dead hands, I'll fix the tags eventually but not now, I'm Sorry, Self-Insert, cos evan swears A LOT, one for being anxious and the other for cursing wildly, teen for swearing, this man has 2 braincells
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24449089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyekaros/pseuds/eyekaros
Summary: How long can you last in monotony until it becomes too much to bare?How long can you tolerate the heavy, emptiness of feeling like nothing you do matters?And what will it take for that thick feeling of confusion to finally fade away?Shameless self-insert fic about my imas self insert and his work at 315Pro
Comments: 15
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What the fuck is this?  
> Don't question it

Haze. 

That was the word for it. That state of thick, inescapable, suffocating confusion. That feeling of never ending blindness and uncertainty. Waiting for something, anything to happen to just break the cycle of emptiness. Evan found comfort in routine, but this was agonizing. Wake up and feel empty, go to school and feel empty, go home and feel empty, do nothing and feel empty, eventually fall asleep in the early hours of the morning and  _ feel empty.  _ He needed a change. Something to shock his systems and give him some sort of emotion that wasn’t just dull, dreary fog. 

He’d tried becoming an artist once. That’d been a fun, short lived dream. It’d given him joy for a short while, but he’d burned out. Lost all motivation. What was the point when someone else could do what he could do and more? There were a million and one budding creators just like him. The world wouldn’t miss him if he stopped, and so he did. Once upon a time, he’d sung, but it became quickly clear that it wasn’t his calling. He couldn’t speak to strangers without panicking, let alone perform in front of them. That brought him to where he was now. 

He looked over at the camera resting on the end of his desk. He never wanted this. Landscapes got boring quickly, but talking to someone on a shoot was terrifying. He couldn’t manage that. He’d tried, but after a few panic attacks, constant anxiety and dreading what was supposed to be his hobby, he was beginning to have one or two thousand doubts. It hadn’t even been his idea, just what had been thrust upon him by those that ‘knew best.’ Evan had a good relationship with his family, if only because they knew nothing about his interests and he was a total pushover. They understood his quietness; he understood that they didn’t really understand him at all. However, they’d been the ones to suggest this line to him. How could he say no to the people that raised him? That housed him? He owed it to them to do what they wanted.

He picked the camera up, folding it into its case. Leaving it out was stressing him out. He was always scared of breaking it, it’d cost a lot of money, hadn’t it? Sitting down on his bed, he opened up the small camera bad he’d carry around with him during the day. It didn’t keep much in it, other than the contraption and a few lens wipes, but today there was something tucked into the padding. Was that a credit card? No no, too flimsy. It was a business card of sorts. Oh fuck, had he brought home the wrong case. Fuck fuck, shit fuck, that wasn’t supposed to happen. The font was overly fancy (urgh, why were some people...like that? No no, he shouldn’t judge. He was working on this whole ‘open-minded’ and ‘not judging’ people business. No matter how much it made him want to rip his teeth out at times), and whoever had made it clearly had a passion for graphic design. 

Oh shit.

He’d spent so long focusing on the design that he hadn’t noticed what the card actually said. 315Productions. As in the idol company. As in the only music that had kept him from spiraling even further into the Haze. As in the- Oh fuck he’d accidentally taken the bag of a 315Pro member home. Yay! Fantastic! This was fine! Everything was fine! Other than the name of the company, the only other information on the card was a phone number. Greaaaat. Wasn’t like phone calls gave him massive anxiety spikes. This would be fine. This was absolutely fucking fine.

“Uhhh…. Um, hi, I- I’m not sure but-” Oh wow, good job, Evan! You don’t sound like an anxious wreck at all, huh?! You sound soooooo confident right now! “There’s a business card with this number on it in my camera case. I- I think it might belong to someone at 315Productions? I- I mean it looks like mine but uh-” He said a silent prayer to a God he didn’t believe in for a lighting strike or some other miracle to put him out of his misery. This was hell.  _ This was absolute hell. _

Call it an act of god, if you like, but the other person finally spoke and put an end to his anxious rambling. “Oh, I’m sorry to have worried you! The President said he was going to give you this number, but he didn’t tell me how he was going to go about it.”

“So this is mine, right?”   
“It is! We just really wanted you to have this number.”   
“...Why?”   
“We’ve been trying to get in contact with you for some time, but you aren’t exactly easy to reach out to.”   
“Are you telling me all the calls I’ve been ignoring for the past two months were from you guys.”   
“Most likely.”   
“...Shit. Wait, fuck I shouldn’t be swear- SHIT- Uh…” Evan’s eyes scanned around the room, trying to find his fidget toy. That would calm his nerves at least a little.   
The voice on the other end laughed sweetly. “Don’t worry about it. Although I guess we are a professional agency, it’s very casual here at the office.”   
“That- I’m sorry, I’m still confused.”   
“You don’t need to apologize. What’s troubling you?”   
“Why were you trying to contact me?”   
“We have a job offer for you, if you’d be happy to-”   
“A what now?”

“A job offer.”   
“You’re aware I’m still in school, right?”   
“The schedule would fit around your hours! You wouldn’t be overworked.”   
“I’m a child. What would you even want me for? Not like I’m any good for anythi- What would I be doing?”   
“You’re a photographer, aren’t you?”   
The teenager exhaled, shaking his head slightly. “No, but I can see why you’d think that.”   
“I’ve seen your portfolio, Evan.”   
“My fucking what now?”

“Your portfolio.”   
“...What?”   
“You’ve been working on it for some time now, correct?”   
“I mean yeah, but I didn’t expect anyone to see it! I was doing it for laughs mostly!”

“Well, part of the recruitment process is looking up things like this.”   
“You recruit idols. Not whatever the fuck I am.”

“You seem to have a low opinion of yourself, Evan.”

“I just don’t want the job, that’s all.”   
“Might I ask why you don't?”   
  
  
What did he even say to that? There wasn’t a clear answer. Well, that wasn’t true. There were a thousand and one answers, but which one was  _ right _ . What would...whoever this other person was on the other end of the line want as an answer? I can’t take the job because I doubt my abilities as a person? Because I don’t want to let you down? Because I know someone else can do it better? He’d been begging for change, and now here it was, and he couldn’t accept it. It felt...wrong. “I- The job sounds ideal, I will admit. But… Are you sure this is the right decision?”

“This isn’t the first time we’ve called, Evan. We wouldn’t be so insistent if we had doubts. You can do this, but you don’t have to.”   
“...Can I at least know who I’m talking to?”   
“Oh, I must’ve forgotten to introduce myself! Ishikawa! I’m a producer at 315Pro! But you can call me Ishi, if you like.”   
“...Right. I- If I’m interested in following this up, and if you’d still have me, how would I follow up on this?”   
“Just come to the office! I’ll send you the details.”   
“R-right.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable, but I’m sure we’d love to have you on the team.”   
“Thank you. Or, whatever.”   
“I should let you sleep now. I hope to see you tomorrow though!”

“...Right.”   
  
Ishikawa hung up and the line went dead. Back to the emptiness. Back to the heavy, haze. Evan stared down at the camera in his lap and sighed. It’d be a break from… all of this, at least.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to support my dumb ideas this is FUN

Short steps, deep breaths. Everything was a fucking nightmare!

Evan didn’t know why he’d done this, but he did know that he had a thousand and one regrets right now. He’d said on the phone to Ishikawa that he didn’t want to do this, and since then he’d said it a hundred times over to himself. Yet, that hadn’t stopped him. Here he was now. Standing outside what may turn out to be his future workplace, hands trembling like a leaf as they clutched his bag straps. Oh god he was going to fuck this up, wasn’t he? Had it dressed too casually? He’d just picked up what was on top of the clean clothes pile and hoped that would work, but now he was regretting that decision. He’d been told it was casual at the office but what if that had been a lie to make him feel better? What if the whole thing was a lie? He should go home before he regretted this even more than he already-

“Are you going to knock? You’ve been standing here for a while now, kid.”

There was a voice. Okay. That was something he could focus on other than his anxious spir- _oh shit a voice meant there was a person oh shit someone was watching him oh shit oh shit oh shit-_

“Please stop looking at me like that. I don’t bite!”

Okay, Evan, time to stop spiraling and time to say something or he’s going to think you’re weird. Now isn’t the time to villainize the random stranger. It doesn’t matter what you say you need to say _something_!

“Hey, you alright? You’re shaking a little…”  
“I’m sorry!” Okay! Okay, that was something! Good job! Now all you need to do is run away from this complete stranger and pretend you never met him, but in the dead of night you will remember this embarrassing encounter and regret it until you die! Hey that’s a good topic to think about! Dying! How fun?! It’s probably coming sooner than you expect but-

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry. I’m not even sure what you’re apologizing for. How about I take you inside and you can sit down and catch your breath. Okay?” There was a hand on his shoulder now, which made everything feel so much worse all of a sudden. He tensed, shuddering and shaking his head at the contact. “Oh, okay! You don’t like being touched. Alright. Just follow me then, okay?” At least the stranger was nice.

* * *

The couch was a good texture. Leather. And clean, too. That was reassuring. The photographer slowly sank down onto the cushions, shoulders still tensed. As nice as it was, it still felt… strange. Alien. He was always like this in new places, but this felt even worse. The stranger sat across from him, leaning forward slightly, holding his hands between his legs. “Ishi told me we’d be having a new kid joining us. Is that you?”  
Evan nodded slightly, inhaling a shallow breath and slowly letting it out.

“Nice to meet you! I’m sorry if I scared you. I’m an idol here, so I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other, huh? You can call me Teru! What about you?”

“...Evan.”

“That’s a nice name! It’s awesome to meet you!” The idol held out his hand for a shake, before quickly retracting it. “Sorry! Forgot you aren’t big on touching.”

“It- I’m sorry about that. I’m not normally such a coward but if I’m freaking out and someone that I’m not familiar with… bad things.”  
“I understand that! I’ll keep it in mind.”   
“I still haven’t ‘got the job’, you know. This might be the only time we meet. You get that, right?”   
“I know! But just between me and you, you’ve got the job.”   
“I’ve literally had one phon ecall and that’s it. That can’t be all it takes. Surely it’s harder than that.”   
“Trust me, I got hired whilst hammered. Things round here aren’t exactly what you’d expect.”   
“There’s no way this is real.” Running one hand over his face, Evan groaned, shaking his head slightly in disbelief. “This is some crazy fever dream that I’m going to wake up from any time now.”

“It takes some getting used to, but you’ll fit right in.”  
“You think so?”   
“Yup!” 

“Ishi is out at the moment, so how about in the meantime I introduce you to some of the others, eh?”   
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m not exactly- uh, how do I say this… I’m not ‘good’ with people. Like at all. If you couldn’t tell. I think it’d just be better if I go.” _And never come back because oh god this is HELL please get me out of here._ “I mean! I’d love to meet your friends and all but… I don’t want to make a mess of things, you know? Like, I’m not very good at ‘teamwork’. Normally I just let other people tell me what to do.”   
“Hmm. Okay, well, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but you did say that you want to. Bleh. ‘Want’ no longer sounds like a word we’ve said it too many times. Anyway, you said you want to, right?”   
“I mean, I guess, but I don’t want to have another freak out.”   
“Well! I believe in you and I believe that won’t happen!”

“...You’ve known me for five seconds.”  
“Yeah, that’s true.” Teru deflated for a second, before the spark returned to the eyes. “But I still believe in you!”

“That is kind of you.”  
“You don’t...believe me?”   
Evan said nothing after that, but finally made eye contact for the first time in the whole conversation. The tension released from his shoulders, at last, and he shook his head, smiling slightly.   
“Why not?”   
“I’m not going to dump all my issues on someone I just met, I’m sorry. Especially if I end up working here.”

“I understand that. Well, I’m not going to push you then, if you aren’t comfortable! You can stay here if you like until Ishi gets back! Do you want me to stay or go or…?”  
“Whatever suits you best.”

“I guess I can stay here until four, then!”

“...It’s ten past four.”  
“Wha- Oh shit, I’m late for practice. See you in a bit, Evan!” Teru jumped up from the couch as he spoke, dashing off without time for goodbyes.

* * *

Time passed. Evan wasn’t sure how much of it. After Teru left, he’d spaced out, fidgeting with whatever he had in his pockets, but he’d grown tired fast. He hadn’t slept last night worrying about the job offer, and now he was exhausted. Freaking out always did that to him. His head suddenly felt too heavy to hold up straight. Before he knew it, he was lying on one side, eyes drooping. If he just rested for a moment and restored his energy, then he would be good to go for discussing matters with Ishikawa later. Just five minutes until he felt a little better.

And here he was now, in a significantly darker office, a blanket over his legs. What the fuck had happened? Checking his phone clock rewarded a groan. It’d been...god, what time had he fallen asleep? It was passed six now, which was way too late. Yaaay, he’d fallen asleep in an alien office where he absolutely didn’t feel at home. But apparently, he’d felt safe enough to have a quick nap, so maybe this place wasn’t so horrendous after all? Or, the more likely option, was that stress was so exhausting he’d fall asleep anywhere if it meant finding some energy. He sat up slowly, cleaning his glasses with the bottom of his shirt. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t real. What was any of this, other than a ridiculous mess?

“Ah! Evan. You’re finally awake.” That was a familiar voice. Ishikawa’s voice, right? “You were resting when I came back from my meeting. Teru told me that the two of you have met now. Did you get along?”  
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sorry I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to.”   
“It’s quite alright. You were very nervous yesterday, and I’ve been told you were in a similar state when you arrived today. That must be tiring.”   
“I guess. So, about this job offer?” Evan was desperate for a topic change. Anything that wasn’t how he was feeling. The job would do.   
“Ah yes! Well, you got it!”

“That’s- That’s not how that works. Like. At all.”  
“I don’t see what’s wrong with it?”   
“I do. Many things. For one I just collapsed in your office so that’s a thing.”   
“Well, it was partially our fault that that happened.”

“Riiiiiight.” Now that his anxieties and nervousness had faded somewhat, a much more bitter and cynical side of the photographer had reared its head.

“You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to, but I like your work, Evan. You would do good for us.”  
“Yeah yeah, and what if I keep freaking out every time I do anything? What then?”   
“Everyone has their fears. I know a lot of our idols suffer badly with stage fright before each performance. We can work around any anxieties you have, and you let us, we can try to help you feel less afraid.”   
“That’s...considerate. Why? Surely- There’s definitely more skilled people who could do what I do and a thousand times more, without all my difficulties.”   
“Difficulties?”   
“It’s nothing. Well, it isn’t nothing but it- Look, the point is, I still don’t understand why I’m so special.”   
“Well, I think you are. Is that a good enough reason?”

“I mean, I guess? But are you sure you’re making the right choice.”  
“I am. Can you trust me on that?”   
“...Only if you’re certain.”   
Ishikawa’s face softened as they nodded. “100%. Do you want to take my offer, Evan?”   
“A-Alright. I’ll- Yeah. I will. And as soon as you regret hiring me, I’m begging you to fire me. I don't’ want to-”   
“You’re spiraling again. Don’t worry about the future, focus on the now. Okay?”   
“Okay.”   
“Welcome to the team, then.”

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it clear that I've never written a single one of these characters before? I'm very new to this ohhh boy

Alarms, Evan decided, could fuck off. 

He never set them, but he’d never had a job before either. Today was his first day and he was absolutely about to fuck it up. His anxieties had granted him a generous single hour of sleep and he was cripplingly under-prepared. But hey! It was fine! It was all absolutely fine! Everything was...fine. He could probably wriggle five more minutes of resting into his schedule. His bed was so nice and warm and nothing could harm him here. Surely,  _ surely, _ it couldn’t hurt to stay here all day and catch up on lost sleep. Right? That was totally a thing he could do, right?

But, alas, the world was a cruel, uncaring place, and Evan had responsibilities. Slowly propping himself up against the headboard until he was sitting upright, he rubbed the sleep from his exhausted eyes and dreaded the day ahead. It wasn’t that he wasn’t excited! It was just that late night research had let him know that there were… a lot of idols at 315Pro. Was he ready for this? Well, that was a stupid question, of course he wasn’t. He just hadn’t expected there to be  _ so many _ . The office was a pretty small space; it was going to get crowded quickly. What if he got overwhelmed? Overstimmed? What if he had a full on meltdown? Ugh, it was too early for a full on panic, and besides, he didn’t really have time to waste like this.

A quick shower did not wake him at all, and if anything, it took his anxieties up a notch. Just not a single notch, actually. It was more like fifty thousand fucking notches. Being alone with his thoughts always did this. But hey, it was fine. After all, even if it wasn’t fine, it wasn’t like he had a choice? He’d already told Ishikawa that he would be there, so it wasn’t like he could go back on it now! If it was a nightmare… Well, despite overthinking that for an hour, he really didn’t want to think about that right now. Time to move on and repress those thoughts until it became unbearable!

Yesterday’s hoodie was still clean enough (was it the day before yesterday’s hoodie too? Most likely). It probably was also not proper ‘workplace attire’, but he truly did not care. He’d never been good at determining what was casual, what was work-casual, what to wear to what event, and  _ why the fuck can’t he just wear some sensory-safe clothes that he was comfortable in.  _ The hoodie would do. That made him feel a little less worried. That was good. Anything that helped. He really needed all the help he could get over this. Picking up his packed camera bag from its place by his bedroom door, Evan was vastly under-prepared to face the day but was going to anyway!

* * *

He hadn’t even gotten to the office, and yet,  _ and yet, _ he had still found something to be anxious about.

Did he need to knock on the door or could he just go in now? On the one hand, it was his place of work now! He should be able to walk around with all the authority he couldn’t muster. Buuuut, this was still his first day aaaaand it was so much more comfortable to let people walk over him instead of pretending to have any remnant of his childhood confidence. Knocking would bring attention to himself, but if he walked in and no one recognized him, that would also be stressful. You know, maybe this was just a sign that he could turn back and- nope he told Ishikawa that he’d do this. Come on, Evan. Pull yourself together and just open the damn door without freaking out.

The scene in front of him as he entered was pure chaos. Even if he wasn’t running on one hour of sleep and a killer dose of anxiety, he wouldn’t have been able to process whatever was happening in front of him. He blinked once, then twice, then a third time, and for good luck, a final fourth time. Nope. Still hadn’t changed. Still didn’t make anymore sense.    
“Hey!!! New guy!!!!” An enthusiastic voice called out to him. He looked up to the dark-haired figure in front of him, who was standing on the couch back, arms spread out to balance himself. “Move it!! You’re standing in lava, you know?!”

“...I’m fucking what now?” The photographer simply stood there in confusion.   
“Hey! Language! Hayato’s just a baby he can't handle bad language!”

“Shut up, Haruna! I’m nooooot!”

“All of you be quiet. Five minutes peace is all I’m asking for.”

“Lighten up, Jun… They’re not any worse than their usual selves.

There were five of them in total. All five of them were dressed in the same uniform, but customized in their individual ways. They seemed roughly the same age of Evan himself, which was… reassuring? In a weird way. The first speaker remained in his place at the top of the couch. On his face, he wore a pair of bright pink glasses and a thousand of one ear piercings, along with a bright, childlike smile. He’d waved to the photographer when he walked in, but was now focused on not falling over. Below him was a much more...subdued character. He was sitting on the leather cushions, an open book resting on his crossed legs. He’d been the second to last speaker, who was mostly ignoring the chaos around him and trying to study. It didn’t appear to be going well. Resting on his shoulder was the final speaker. With eyes closed and a soft smile on his face, he seemed to be the softest of the five. Evan couldn’t be sure, but he had a hunch that the grey-haired boy was so out of it, he’d barely noticed the stranger walk in. On the other sofa were two other teenagers. The first of which was dressed in a sleeveless, blue-grey v-neck, with a mess of green-ish hair. He was bouncing happily to his heart’s content, until his companion’s comment about him being an infant, which had evoked a grumpy pout and teary eyes. 

The final member of the quintuplet had joined in the game of the Floor is Lava, but had now hopped off the couch and approached Evan. Messy, ginger hair was barely held out of his bright, green eyes. “Hey! You’re the new guy?”   
“I mean, I guess?” He mentally cursed himself for that one.  _ What do you mean ‘you guess’? You are a guy, and you’re new! _ “I’m- I’m a photographer, and this is my first day. I don’t know if you’re expecting a more important new guy but… I don’t know? So yes?”   
“You ramble a lot, hmm? It’s nice to meet you. You got a name?”   
“Oh, uh, Evan. You?”   
“Haruna! These other nerds are by unit mates. If you’re working with us, you gotta promise to make us look good, okay?”   
“I can try my best. Don’t expect anything too big.”    
“I’m just kidding with you, don’t worry!”   
“You two are super, mega dead!!! You’ve been standing in lava for a good few minutes now!”    
“Shiki, shut it.”   
“Nooooo!!! Don’t be mean to me, Juncchi!!”

“...Oh so that’s their names.” The photographer mused to himself, making a quick note on the back of his hand.

“You struggle with names?” Haruna smirked softly as he read the messy writing.   
“A little.”   
“Well, quick roll call for you! Gyaruo is Shiki, Crybaby is Hayato, Stone Cold is June, and Sleepyhead is Natsuki.”   
“Hey!!! Why was I the only one who got insulted?” Based on the kicked puppy look in his eyes, that one was Hayato.

“I’m mega happy with gyaruo!”

“...Stone Cold could be better.”   
“Hmm? What...did he call me?”   
  
It only took a few moments for a chaotic debate over the nicknames to start up again.

A softer, sweeter, more mature voice spoke as a beacon among the dark after a minute or two of screaming. “Ah, Evan! There you are.”

The photographer turned around to face Ishikawa, a relieved smile on his face. “Thank god, an adult.”   
“Hey!” All five members of the unit spoke at once.

“I see you’ve met HighxJoker then.”   
“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Well, I hate to cut the introductions short, but, you and your camera are needed.”

“What?! Already?! I’ve only been here a few minutes and in that time, I’ve apparently melted to death.”   
“Yes, I appear to have made some miscalculations with our scheduling. I intended to give you a day or two to settle in and meet everyone, but Beit has a photoshoot today.”

“You only have one photographer?”   
“Only one on site.”   
“I guess I don’t have a choice then?” He tried to smile, but Evan was slowly dying inside with every second he spent in this place. At least it was just as unprofessional as he was.

“I’m sorry. This won’t happen again, I promise!”

“Yes it will.” HighxJoker, like a hive-mind, continued to speak as one.

“Let’s just get on with it then, eh? No time like the present, hmm?”   
“Thank you, Evan. I’m sure this will only be a one off.”   
“No it won’t.”   
“How do you five keep doing that?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alsooo I have a few chapters backlogged, but not many sooo if I stop with the daily uploads its because I ran out of backlog


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I said I liked this chapter, I would be lying but it's somewhat important because it's the start of my boy's job! And also I love Beit. They're a happy lil family and that's very neat of them.

Following Ishikawa to the studio was making Evan’s heart beat a mile a minute. He hated suspense, and this was more than just a little tense. This was all so sudden and he just needed to ground himself a bit. This was his first job and he already felt overwhelmed. Nice job, you fucking idiot! _God maybe if you just TOLD people that you struggled with this sort of thing you wouldn’t be in these messes?_ Nah, he’d rather die. Opening up was scary. He’d had the same policy for as long as he could remember: Tell them enough so that they think you’re opening up, but bottle everything else up. Show them to tip of the iceberg and trick them into thinking that’s all your issues. It hadn’t failed him yet!

Ishikawa’s voice was...tired when they spoke again. “I’m really, truly sorry about all of this, Evan. I didn’t intend to-”   
“Please, it’s really fine.”   
“You seem a little nervous.” _Understatement of the century, much?_   
“I’m always a little nervous. It’s just new people anxiety, you know? First day in a new place meeting someone I’ve never met?”   
“You will love Beit. I promise that much.”

There was a look in their eye, just then. Evan couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was, but then again, he’d never been good at reading emotions. Was it pride? Reassurance? Both? Whatever it was, it was a loving gaze. Something about that made the photographer’s anxieties… not disappear, but fade away slightly. “Alright. I- I hope so.” He did his best to smile, giving a slight thumbs up. This would be okay. This was alright. Ishikawa was nice, they wouldn’t hurt him. That was good. Okay. That was good.

* * *

“Holy fucking shit.” Was the only response Evan had to the studio. He knew it would be fancy, much fancier than his past locations (mostly parks and his own home), but he didn’t expect this. It was really, really bright. It was so, so white that it nearly hurt to look at. No wait, nevermind it wasn’t that bright, he was just staring directly into a light. That was his own fault. He rubbed his eyes, getting a look around the room. It was surprisingly clean, although it probably wouldn’t be staying that way if Evan had anything to do with it. He’d always been a messy worker, no matter what that was. Whether school work, art, or just existing, he’d always been a mess. That was just how he rolled.   
  
Standing in a corner of the room, three idols clad in matching outfits were all talking between them. Looked like those were his… Oh god he forgot the word. Subjects? Victims? Both of those felt very wrong, but that didn’t help him remember what the original word was. Ishikawa smiled from behind him, gesturing to the trio. “Those will be your models!” That was the bitch! “Do you want me to introduce you to them or can you handle it?”   
“I...uh….” Now really wasn’t the time for his brain to short circuit, but luck was never on his side.   
Thankfully, Ishikawa was a loving god. “I’ll introduce you, don’t worry.”

“You three, this is Evan. He’ll be leading your shoot today.” Why did just hearing this make him feel nervous? The photographer already felt that strange ‘Im not really here’ feeling he always got in situations like this.

“Hey! It’s lovely to meet you!” 

“Uh… Hi, I guess.”  
“Hello! Pierre is my name!! It is nice very to see you!”

Okay, Evan! Time to make your first impression. Your options are: Run away and hide, Say something you damn fool, or Panic! Of course, like the little bitch you are, you choose the third and final option. Swallowing back a mass of nerves and anxieties, the young photographer waved a somewhat shaky hand, trying his best to force a smile. “Uh- Yeah, um, you too. I guess.”  
“He is a little shy, but I’m sure you three will look after him!” Ishikawa was nice, that was reassuring. Ishikawa was very reassuring.

“Will do! We want your first day to go as easy as possible! How about introductions, yes? Pierre has already told you his name-”  
“Yafuu!”

“Yes, dear. I’m Minori, and our quiet friend here is Kyoji!”

Talking was still a near impossible task. “Uh- Um, yeah. I’m...Evan. I guess. That’s all there is to say, really. That’s it. Should we get on with this?” What he didn’t add to the end of his sentence was that he really wanted to get started so that it could all be over faster and he could go somewhere safer to perish and regret ever walking into the office. 

“I will have to love you all and leave you, as there are matters that need my attention.” The producer bowed, smiling a little. “Good luck, Evan! Tell me how it goes.”  
What he wanted to say was ‘I am going to die please don't leave me’, but he decided not to do this, and instead turned his attention to the shoot. Okay. He could do this. He’d directed shoots before, but most of those had been mucking about with his friends until he hurt from laughing. He’d do anything to be back in that situation instead of…ominous...intimidating...fancy lighting and stuff. But, he was Evan! He could do this! He had zero confidence but enough anxiety to replace his adrenaline!

* * *

It was awkward, at first. He was clumsy and scared, but Beit were understanding. Evan apologized every few seconds, nervously wringing his hands and tapping his feet to keep himself relaxed. The unit were trying their best to make him feel better, but he just wanted to curl up and pretend this never happened. That would be so much easier. 

Well, at least that was okay, until the dumbassery started up.

It’d started with Minori making a light comment about Kyoji, which had flustered the introvert, which had officially made Evan no longer the most awkward person in the room, which in it’s own weird way made the photographer feel more confident, which had lead to him making a dumb joke about the situation, which had lead to Pierre falling over in a fit of giggles, which had lead to the Beit Dominoes, which had lead to-

  
It might not have been an easy first day, but at the end of it, Evan didn’t regret a thing. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little heavy, so feel free to skip if it isn't for you  
> There's a reference to intrusive thoughts and dying, and there's more in depth descriptions of harmful stimming!  
> If you want to skip it, there'll be a quick summary at the end of everything that happens so if you skip down there you won't see anything bad!

It’d been nearly a week since Evan got hired now. The job was...alright. It wasn’t the best thing in the world but it was far from the worst. He was definitely more used to the way everything worked now. His anxieties were slowly beginning to fade away and be replaced with a sense of belonging. That was nice. The idols of 315Pro were so kind to him. Sure, they didn’t fully understand why something as simple as standing in the kitchen could make him feel twitchy, or why he was always fiddling with the small toy he kept in his pocket at all times, but they never asked. Never made him uncomfortable.That was nice.

His ‘shift’ (he didn’t really have much in the way of hours. He came straight from school and would stay there until anything that needed doing was done) had been over for some time now, but he was still at the office. He’d gone to get some fresh air at the top of the building, staring down at the city below. He’d always been afraid of heights, but this was different. Looking down at the world below him with not a thought in his head was reassuring. Normally, his anxieties would be screaming for him to back away because this was a dangerous situation, but his anxieties weren’t quite as loud as the intrusive thoughts telling him to jump and wondering what it would be like if he fell. But today? Neither made a sound. His head was just...blank. And he just stared. The abyss gazed back, it’s presence neither welcoming nor intimidating. That was nice.

How long had he been up here now? It must have been some time. He didn’t wear a watch, but he did have his phone on him! That was good! Could he be bothered to get it out and check though? No. No he could not. He’d only brought it so that he could still listen to his music whilst he thought over some stuff. As much as it acted as something of a distraction from his contemplation, that was a good thing. He loved being able to zone out from reality and be alone with his thoughts, but he needed something to ground him in reality or he’d fall too far and be unable to return to the world around him. Whenever that happened, it was usually a bad thing. He’d end up in some deep, dark corner of his anxieties that no one wanted to see or hear about.

The wind was getting up now. He liked that. The cold sensation just evoked something inside of him. Something that felt good, and safe, and like maybe the world wasn’t quite so bad. He knew the exact reason he liked it, and it was a boringly simple one. It was a feeling. Much stronger than his usually foggy confusion. His two states were two seconds away from a breakdown, and wandering through Haze. Anything that was different to that, felt nice. And the strong, occasionally violent wind hitting him square in the face was different. That was nice.

He’d felt...some things since joining 315Pro. Teasing HighxJoker with Haruna had made him smile until it hurt, and Pierre’s adorable little quirks were absolutely heartwarming. Having some sensation was nice. That’s what he’d asked for, right? But...as much as he was enjoying it, something still felt wrong. He’d smile and laugh with his friends, but as soon as they were gone, the haze set right in again. That heavy feeling that his life was going  _ nowhere _ . That if he died- Nope if he thought about death he’d think about Other Bad Things, especially considering where he was standing right now. Quickly, he needed to move on and think of something else before-

“You good?”   
  
The photographer turned around quickly, before breathing a sigh of a relief. Teru would make a fine distraction. “I’m fine.” He smiled a little, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as he faced the idol. “What are you doing up here?”   
“Well, a certain anxious little kid disappeared from the office but his bag and jacket were still here, so he was in the area. And, because I care about that anxious little kid, I came to find him.”   
“...Ah.”   
“What are  _ you _ doing up here?”   
“Getting some fresh air.”   
“Oh?”   
“It gets a bit… What’s a good word for this? Stifling? With so many people in such a small space. I just needed to breathe.”   
“I understand that.” The idol waltzed over, standing beside Evan and leaning against the railings. Teru stared down at the world below for a moment, before a soft, gentle smirk spread across his face. “Pretty view, huh? Wouldn’t want to fall from here though.”   
“It’s nice.”   
“What, falling?”   
“No, you idiot! You know that’s what I meant!” The photographer punched his shoulder lightly, rolling his eyes.

“Owww!!”   
“That didn’t hurt. Did it? I’m so sor-”

“I’m just messing with you.”

There was silence for a moment as the two watched the dashing traffic below them. It was getting dark, there weren’t many people on the streets anymore, but still a few cars here and there, accompanied by some pedestrians dotted here and there. “So are you like, more okay with people touching you now?” Teru said after a while.

“What?”   
“You just punched me, but when you first got here, anyone brushing against you would freak you out a bit. Not that there’s a problem with that but just, you know…” His voice trailed off as he turned his gaze to the sky.

“Oh. I didn’t- I haven’t really thought about it, but I guess. Yeah. I am.” The photographer laughed nervously, avoiding eye contact. “I, uh- Contact actually makes me feel a lot better  _ in theory.  _ But, then when it comes down to it? I always freak out. I mean, I guess I freak out about a lot of things, so it shouldn’t surprise me. But it’s something like, I love the idea of it, but my god does it scare me. Guess I’m more okay with it now that I know you guys though.” He paused, blinking a few times, before rambling a mile a minute. “I mean! I don’t freak out  _ that much _ it only happens occasionally, please don’t worry about it- Wait fuck, ‘occasionally’ makes it sound like it happens often, it doesn’t happen often- Fuck, I’ve said happen often too many times and now it sounds all weird and you probably think I’m being weird and-” Evan bashed the side of his head with the heel of his hand as he rambled. “I’m sorry, Teru, please don’t listen to me, everything is okay, I promise! I didn’t mean to dump any of my issues on yo-”   
“Evan.”   
“Y-Yeah?”   
“Breathe. It’s okay. I’m not mad. Are you alright?”   
“Fine. Yup. Fine. I’m absolutely fine, and I’m really sorry if I made you think otherwise because I really didn’t want to-” He went to smack his skull again, but Teru caught his hand this time.

“Don’t hurt yourself, kid. And, really, it’s alright. You don’t need to justify it so much, okay?” His voice and tone were so gentle, but there was a slight sternness to it.

“I’m sorry…”   
“You don’t need to be.”   
  
There was silence again for a moment, Teru still gently holding the teenager's hand. This wasn’t nice. “...I’m sorry.” It was all Evan could think to say.

“You don’t need to be. I’m sorry for getting angry. That wasn’t fair. I just panicked.”   
“No no no, please don’t be sorry, it’s okay! I didn’t notice you were angry... Can I have my hand back?”   
“Promise you won’t hit yourself again?”   
“No promises, but I won’t.”   
“Alright… Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

“Please… Please do, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The hug was warm and felt...safe. Evan could feel himself slowly begin to shake. He wouldn’t cry, no he wasn't ready for that. However, in the comfort of his...friend’s- yes he could call Teru that now. In the comfort of his friend’s arms, he felt a little better. He nuzzled himself further into the embrace, shutting his eyes and just enjoying the moment.   
“Do you want to talk about it?” The idol spoke after a few minutes of silence.

“It?”   
“Well, anything. We all know you get a little nervous at times, but you’re clearly struggling with something you don’t want us to know about. Is there anything you need to get off your chest?”   
“I- I mean, I guess, but it’s unrelated to...what just happened.”   
“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but if there are things you’re comfortable sharing, then go ahead.”   
“I’m autistic. I- I haven’t known very long, but it’s always been there. I found out a few months ago and… And I don’t know anything anymore.”   
“What do you mean?”   
“It’s- My therapist says that because it’s such a big change in my life I’ve ‘lost my way’, whatever that means. I didn’t- I don’t know. I really just. I don’t know. It’s something I’m supposed to be, like, proud of, right? It’s a part of me. And I’m trying my best, I really am, but… I don’t know, it feels like despite how I’m  _ supposed _ to feel about it I just don’t. Some people are telling me to embrace it, others want me to hide it. But how can I hide something that explains every detail of who I am?”   
“Do you know what I think?”   
“What?”   
“You shouldn’t let other people’s opinions control who you are. I will say, yeah I agree, that explains a lot about you. And I’ll also say that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Is there anything we can do to make you feel more comfortable?”   
“Nah, it’s fine. It’s really fine.”   
“Evan.”

“...”   
“If it makes you feel better, there’s a couple people just like you here at the office. It’s their place to tell you, not mine, but I will say, I am as well. So you don’t need to be shy or insecure, okay?”   
“...Thanks, Teru. I- I mean that genuinely.”   
“It’s no problem. Is there anything we can do for you?”   
“...Okay, so maybe there are some things but...I don’t want to make you all feel guilty or be a burden or whatever.” Evan’s voice trailed off slightly as he hid more into the hug.

“Just tell us, and we’ll be there. We’ll never judge you or hold it against you, because there’s nothing wrong with being just a little different to everyone else.”   
“You’re so nice. I don’t know what to say other than thank you.”   
“I know what you could say!”   
“What?”   
“What I can do to help you!”

“Teru!”

“Oww! Stop punching me!”   
“Did that really hurt?”   
“No, I’m still messing with you.”   
“Teru!”

“I said  _ stop _ punching me!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot Summary for those that didn't wanna read: Evan is in a bit of a weird mood and accidentally opens up to Teru about some stuff he'd rather not talk about. He explains that he was recently diagnosed as autistic and that that revelation has thrown his life slightly off course. But it's okay cos Teru looks after him and makes sure he knows he's valid.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets bullied, you love to see it

The conversation with Teru a few days ago had made Evan feel a lot more secure about where he stood in the office. He had friends here. No one was out to get him, and he could be himself here. That was good. He’d noticed that he was slowly coming out of his shell a little. His laugh had gone from his awkward ‘I don't really know you and I don't feel safe around you’ nervous giggle, to his natural, somewhat obnoxious laugh. He was feeling comfortable now. That was good. God, he knew that things were good. Why did he still feel the need to reassure himself at every corner?! No, no. He was supposed to be trying to be nicer to himself, according to Teru. No more being critical of his coping mechanisms! 

Not only was he feeling more confident around the idols, but he was also beginning to feel more at home with his work. For the first time in a long while, he felt like he was doing something that  _ meant _ something to someone. He was doing something important. That wasn’t something he was used to. It felt rewarding, and he decided that he liked that feeling. That little spark of happiness he got every time he finished a shoot. That bubble of satisfaction every time he sent off the edited result to whoever needed it. Doing something that was entirely about someone else felt so much better than purely relying on himself. Being told what needed doing, but being allowed to choose how he wanted to do it was so much better than what he’d had at school, which was being told how to do something, but not what the end result was supposed to look like. He was enjoying this new job a lot now that his anxieties were beginning to fade. 

* * *

“Okay, okay that’s good. Can you stay like that for just a sec, please?” He found himself rolling his eyes at his own tone. He sounded like a fussy mother. The camera clicked away beneath his fingertips with a surprisingly stimmy noise. 

“You got it!” His two models spoke in unison. He was referring to the twins as that because he still had no idea which one was which, and he felt too bad to ask. It did not help that the glasses-wearing one was no longer wearing his glasses.

“Thank you, boys. Okay, what else could we try?”   
“Oh oh oh! Kyosuke had an idea! Can we show you?” Okay so that one was Yusuke and the other was Kyosuke. Wait, fuck, what if he was just speaking in third person, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-

“Uhhh, Ref?” Hmm. That nickname. The twins had given it to him shortly after their first shoot together. That was cute. “You’re just staring at us? Are you okay? You look a little nerv-”  
“Oh shit- fuck- Uhhhh” _Nice job, Evan!_ _Not only did you forget to speak, your first words were curses! You’re going to be fired by the end of the week._ “Sorry, boys, I uh, I was thinking. Go ahead, show me Kyosuke’s idea.”

The shoot continued for a little longer, and so did Evan’s confusions and doubts. Both of them seemed incredibly sweet, but his mind was racing a minute trying to keep up with it all. He could’ve sworn that he’d heard both twins refer to the other with both names at this point. The photographer couldn’t decide what he’d find more embarrassing: using the wrong name for one of the twins, or admitting that he’d barely been paying attention during the introductions and now he was regretting that. This was the last time he’d space out in an important conversation (it absolutely wasn’t, but he could dream).

“Hey, Ref?” The yellow one grinned as the crew began to pack away, Evan included. “Me and my brother have a question for you?”  _ Why couldn’t they just call each other by their names?! _

“I’ll try not to disappoint you with my answer.”   
“What football team do you support?” The other one smiled just as wide, just as identically. This was getting impossible.   
“I...don’t? I’ve never followed it. Back in Britain, my family did, but I never really got the appeal. Not that it doesn’t seem interesting! I don’t want to discredit you both. It’s just that an hour and a half is a long time to pay attention to something. I can only really focus for five seconds at most.” The photographer laughed nervously. Was he seriously feeling guilty about not liking sport? Anxieties could fuck off, he decided.

“That’s perfect!” They both spoke together.

“What? It is? Oh yay, I was scared. Why did you ask, by the way?”

“Weeeell, we’ve got tickets to watch the match this weekend, but Kyosuke can’t be there. Sooo, we thought you could take his place!” The yellow one was Yusuke, right?

“Why’re you asking me? I’m… What? Hang on, I have more questions, why is my answer perfect then?! I clearly showed a lack of interest. Why are you…? I’m so confused.”   
“Well, I’ll answer that first one for you! And I’ll leave that second one to Kyosuke!” Wait, so was Kyosuke the yellow one?! Did they just switch?! What was happening? “Because, we want to get to know you better! And if you and Yusuke get to hang out, then he can tell me!”   
“And for the second one. It’s so much more fun to bring a newbie along! To get them to witness it all for the first time!”

“...What if I don’t enjoy it? I don’t want to upset you.”   
“You will!” Both at the same time again. Is that like some twin super skill? Or it's it another incident of the 315 hive-mind, because HighxJoker could also do it, couldn’t they? Were all the idols linked into this system- No. No, there was no way Evan was going to come up with conspiracy theories about his co-workers.

“Alright. I have an idea.” It was the photographer’s turn to smile now.

“If I am right, and I don’t enjoy this,” He fiddled with his camera, feeling oddly smug at this point about the situation. “You two have to stop confusing me with your names and tell me what’s going on.”   
“You caught on?!”   
“Yes! Yes I absolutely caught on! And you need to stop doing that speaking at the same time thing, because otherwise my brain will make all sorts of weird theories about whether you’re aliens or robots.”   
“Okay.” The green one spoke, and Evan was too tired to remember which one that was.

“And if we’re right, and you do enjoy this?” The other brother spoke.

“Because you will!” 

“We’re both 100% certain! That’s 200%”

“No it isn’t, Yusuke.” Evan had no idea if that was really his name or if this was more confusing lies.

“I will let you drag me to more of these. I will even pay to take you two to them, if you like.”   
The twins exchanged a look of glee, before nodding and speaking in unison. “Sounds like a plan!”

“I’ll see you then, then!” So...that one was Yusuke?

“I can wait.”   
“Do you mean, you can’t wait to have a fun day out with my brother?”   
“No I absolutely mean I can wait.”   
  


There was no way he was losing this bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am running out of backlog and I'm running out fast so be warned if updates slow down a little. Love y'all thanks for supporting my dumbassery.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another dummy chapter lol  
> Hope you like it tho!  
> Also 315Pro said gay rights I guess and you can pry that headcannon from my dead hands

Was it too late to cancel?

I mean, that is what Evan had done for...almost every single meet up he’d had in the past however long it’d been. The only one he’d said he would go to _and_ committed to, was getting his job. And he’d been more than slightly nervous at the time! Would Yusuke understand? No, even if he did, he’d made a deal. If he went, he could finally put the confusion behind him concerning the twin’s names, and that would be a big weight off of his shoulders. But, in order to get that relief, he had to stick through...ugh. Why had he agreed to this?! Sure, Yusuke was lovely, but being overstimmed in a crowded space wasn’t. 

So much for working on his confidence. He’d been talking to Teru a lot lately to work on not being so self critical. It was still his instinct to dig his nails into softer parts of his skin, to bite his lips until they bled and hit his head against a hard surface whenever he was stressing out, but he was slowly exploring new coping mechanisms. It was not the fastest process in the world, but at least there was a start. His self-deprecating thoughts were beginning to quieten down, too. They weren’t gone, but they were certainly more bearable. Maybe letting people in wasn’t quite such a bad idea after all. If he could handle opening up to someone about things he’d only discussed in therapy, maybe he could handle stepping outside his comfort zone in a different way. Maybe he could handle something he would normally hate. Either way, it wasn’t like he had much of a choice, but maybe he could be less pessimistic about the situation.

* * *

Yusuke’s smile was intoxicating. One look and Evan’s fears just melted away ( _wait shit that wasn’t a good thing he was relying on his nerves to win this thing)._ “Ref!! You came!”

“I’m not gonna back away from a challenge.”  
“So you admit that it’ll be a challenge not having the best time of your life?” God damn that stupid smirk.

“No, I’m saying that even being here is a challenge, you dork.”

“You better be hungry, because you’re going to end up eating those words!”

“Yusuke, what the fu- I’m not gonna ask, actually. I’m just gonna...move on. Pretend you didn’t say that. And pretend I didn’t hear it.”  
“You love me really!”

“Sure. Whatever. Dork.”

“So, you’ve really never been?” The idol sounded both curious and...there was something else? Worry? Concern? Over something so trivial? Evan didn’t get it and decided he didn’t want to think too much about it.  
“I mean, why would I? And, I dunno, I guess growing up as a girl made people think that I wouldn’t be interested.”   
“Oh, you’re trans?”   
“I don’t know if you could tell that from the everything about me, but yeah.”

“That’s awesome!! So’s like...half of 315Pro!”  
“Wait, seriously?”   
“Yeah!”   
“Damn. _Damn._ Is there like gaydar for trans people because if so mine does not work.” The photographer laughed at his own joke, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“Also, none of us are straight, if you couldn’t tell.”  
“No I worked that much out myself, I’m not completely oblivious.” There was a pause for a moment, before Evan found himself asking with a raised eyebrow. “So, who’s together at the office?”   
“H-Hey! I can’t tell you that!”

“Ohoho, the plot thickens! You know, I was joking, but your silence is very telling, Yusuke~”  
“Stop that!!”

“I’m just messing, don’t fret. Think of it as revenge for the name ordeal.” Another pause. “You are Yusuke, right? If this is more elaborate scheming, I will start crying on the spot, and that is a promise I am willing to keep.”  
“Don’t worry, I’m 100% Yoosk!”

The photographer snorted at that. “You’re what now? God, is it too early to call you a dork again?”

“Are you going to tease me all afternoon?”  
“Oh absolutely. That is my coping mechanism for being here.”   
“It’s not even started yet! Well, it’s about to but like- I can’t remember where I was going with this thought!” Despite his foolishness, he remained beaming from ear to ear.

“You dork.”

“Hey!”

“Whaaaat? I said I was going to keep teasing you.”

* * *

The game was...not interesting, just as Evan had expected. However, he was now only 60% sure he would win this bet. Despite his promise to tease Yusuke all day, he couldn’t bring himself to. His dumb fucking smile. How could he be mean, even if it was playfully, to someone just so...sweet. It was so stupid. This whole situation was so stupid. There was no way he was absolutely enjoying seeing his friend so happy. Curse his love of feeling at his best when the people he cared about were in a good mood! He’d been relying on his constant grumpy moods to get him through this ridiculous situation, but no! Yusuke just had to be that sweet and endearing that Evan couldn’t help feel...what was that feeling? Either way, he both loved and hated it.

* * *

  
There was something so charming about their walk home together. Evan constantly found himself just turning to his companion with a smile just as sweet as the idols. His hands rested in his jacket pockets as he listened to Yusuke ramble about the day they’d just had. There was a warm feeling in his heart. He’d always loved listening to people talk about their interests but there was something different, something softer about this. Oh shit, never mind. There was an expectant look on his friend’s face. Had Evan zoned out and missed important conversation details again? You already know it! He laughed awkwardly, taking a hand from his pocket and rubbing the back of his neck. “I, uh, spaced out. I’m sorry. You were just being such an adorable, utter dork.”   
“I asked if you enjoyed yourself, dummy!”

“Oh, uh. Well, you see, the funny thing about that is…” _How the fuck did he explain this?!_ “If I said I enjoyed it, that would...be….How do I say this?”   
“You did! Haha!” He threw his head back in happy giggles. “I told you, Ref! Didn’t I?! Come on, swallow your pride~ Admit it!!”

“Okay, okay, okay. No. I didn’t enjoy the match. But, I did enjoy spending time with you. Okay?”  
“I’m counting that as a victory for me! I’m taking the trophy this time and you can’t take it from me! Kyosuke is going to be so excited to hear about this.”   
“Oh boy, here we go. Am I ever going to live this down?”   
“Hmmmm~ Nope! This is what you get for making a bet against us! We’re unbeatable.”   
“Shut up, you dork.”   
“Hey! As part of my victory, you have to be nicer to me.”   
“Wha-?! That wasn’t part of the deal??? You can’t just change a bet once it’s over.”   
“Yes I can.”   
“How come?!”   
“Because I won the bet, so I make the rules.”   
“You’re going to be the death of me, you know that right?”

“Yup!”

“...Just checking…”  
  
Evan was so glad that he hadn’t cancelled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today but hey we get a visit from the literal ray of sunshine that is Pierre so it's all fine.

As much as Evan complained about how the office could be too much sometimes, he hadn’t realized until now how much things being too little was just as frustrating. Like the dumbass he was, he’d left his earphones at home and it was impossible to focus without them. His foot tapped away a mile a minute just so that it would be some stimulation. Sure, the usual chaos of the office was some noise, but it wasn’t  _ enough _ noise. If he was overwhelmed, he knew exactly what he could do! He could take a step back and clear his mind. However, how do you deal with the complete opposite of that? You can't dive further into something? Well, he could like...talk to someone, but that was scary. He was fine talking to his new friends, but starting conversations was more than just a little bit intimidating.

He rapped his knuckles against his laptop, biting the wall of his cheek. Logically, he knew that there were a hundred solutions to this issue but he couldn’t see those paths when he couldn’t focus on a single thing. It felt like he was trapped. Like all his senses were being smothered to the point where everything felt numb in the worst way possible. The issue had been stewing away in the back of his mind for what felt like an eternity, and now it was too big for him to ignore. He needed to do  _ something _ just so he could feel normal again. But he had no idea what said something needed to be.

A hand on his shoulder put him out of his misery, if only be jolting him a little. A lot.

“Oops! Me know mean to scare!” A light, sweet innocent little voice called in the photographer’s ear.

Evan turned in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief. “You’re fine. Just wasn’t expecting it. Hey. What’s up?”   
“Up is opposite down!”

“I mean, yeah. I guess it is. That wasn’t what I was asking but I’m sure as fuck happy with it as an answer.”   
“Glad make happy!”

“Cheers, you dweeb.”   
“What is dweeb?”   
“Nothing. It’s… It’s nothing. So, what did you need?”   
“No need! Just want to talk with best friend!”   
“That is sweet of you.”

“What is best friend doing?”   
“Editing a new poster but I’m not in love with the design I had in mind. Also, Photoshop is a shitty application that can suck my dick. What about yo- Hey why’re you laughing at me?”   
“You funny! And rude, but funny!”

“Geez, you tell Photoshop to suck your dick one time and suddenly you’re being called out by a dweeb. That’s a joke, I love you.”

  
“Why no happy with design?” Pierre asked, taking a seat beside the photographer, beaming from ear to ear. Something about the chipper quality to his voice was making Evan feel less underwhelmed. Everything was beginning to feel real again.

“I dunno. It just feels...similar to the ones I did last time. And I want to show people I have more than one idea! There’s all this blank space here,” He gestured with his mouse to one of the corners of the composition, “but I have no idea what to put there. And… I dunno. I’m- I don’t know.” He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck and looking over at Pierre. What was the word for that expression he was pulling? It was the exact opposite of a kicked puppy. Puppy who’s owner just returned from the war? Nah, that was too wordy. It was happy. That was a briefer way of describing it. God, why hadn’t he just said that right off the bat? His brain was too hazy to deal with the English language right now. “If you were me, what would you do? Like, to fix it. How would you make it look better?”   
  
The idol paused for a few moments. “Hmm… Well, in doubt, ask friend! And you did! So good!”   
“Thanks.”   
“If it me, can make image smaller?”   
“I guess I could, yeah. That’d get rid of some of the space. What about the rest of the picture? Should I filter it or something? Change the lighting? Does it look okay?”   
“It look good! Why worry?”   
“I worry about everything, Pierre. I have anxiety, you dweeb. I’m still kidding, you’re lovely.”   
“I know joke! Don’t worr- Oh wait… Sorry!”

Evan couldn’t help but smile at that one. “You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

* * *

After the days work was done, he still found himself talking to Pierre. The two were still just hanging around the office as the sun set outside. The idol was waiting for his fellow unitmates, and Evan… didn’t know why he was still there. Something about spending time with him was just relaxing. The constant smile, those adorable eyes, his apparently undying happiness. It felt like being around literal sunshine, and that was a lovely, lovely feeling. God, if only he could verbalize these feelings. In his head he had a thousand words about his friends, but whenever he tried to speak, it just came out as repeating ‘I love you’ into infinity. Might as well give it a go, though. Right? “Hey, Pierre?”   
“Mhm?”

“You’re… cool. You know that, right?”   
“Mhm!”

“Like, I know I’m not an easy person to talk to ‘cos I freak out and cry all the time, but you’re nice to me. I mean everyone is.”  _ God why was he trying to be honest with his feelings? That was a dumb question with a very simple answer: Teru had told him to. But it still felt awkward trying to word everything. _ “But, you’re...extra nice to me. I feel like when I’m with you, I don’t need to be worried about any of the dumb bullshit that comes out of my mouth. I can just...relax? I guess. Like nothing else in the world matters.”

“Evaaaaaaaaan!”   
“What, you dweeb?”   
“That was nice! You did nice! I love you!”

“I love you too.”   
“Aww…”   
“You dweeb.”   
“Hey!”


	9. Chapter 9

As well as his little photography charade, Evan had a few other responsibilities around the office. It’d started as just chores because he had a lot of time on his hands and liked spending time with the people he loved, but now if there was anything that needed doing and no one was available, he could probably handle it. Helping Ken with secretarial tasks, scouting venues with Ishikawa, or just heading to the shop because  _ someone _ had eaten the last of the snacks and now no one was willing to cooperate. Honestly, that last one was his main job because as talented as his coworker’s were, they were also immature idiots 50% of the time. And he loved them for it.

At the moment, he was doing the second of those tasks. He and Ishikawa were checking out a stage for… Evan didn’t know what. When he’d asked them, they’d simply winked and told him that it was a surprise, which wasn’t an answer, but it had let him know that he should stop asking because he wasn’t going to get one. Which did complicate things a little because how was he supposed to see if this was a good venue for the event if he didn’t know what the event was?! Where was the logic in that one?! Oh well. He just had to have faith in Ishikawa.

“Evan, I’ve been meaning to ask you something for some time now.” The producer smiled warmly as the two checked around the backstage space. “Have you met our President yet?”   
“Absolutely not!”

“You sound...surprisingly happy about that.”   
“This is me we’re talking about. Are you surprised that I’m avoiding someone?”   
“I guess not. Might I ask why?”   
“Authority figures scare me. That simple. What if he doesn’t like me?”   
“He’s see your work before, Evan. He likes it.”   
“I’m more than what I do.”   
“He’s also seen you.”   
“Stalker.”   
“No! Not quite. I phrased that badly. He gave you that business card that made you call me, right?”   
“He also gave me a shittonne of anxiety by making me think I’d taken the wrong bag.”   
“I guess he could’ve done that a little better. He just didn’t want to startle you by speaking to you.”

“Well, that was...kind of him. Huh. Maybe I’ll give him and the rest of him a chance.”   
“The rest of them? Excuse me?”   
“Oh! I’ve only actually really spoken to about 12 people here. At least a few of them I’ve only spoken to once and it was on a shoot. I didn’t know there were more than that until Pierre told me the other day.

“Oh...dear. You do truly worry, don’t you?”   
“You could say that again.”   
“I’m sure the other’s would love to meet you!”

“Yeah, but would I love to meet them?”   
“I’m sure you will!”   
“Really?”   
“Why? Do you doubt that you will?”

“Maybe? I- I don’t know.”   
“Well, how about, I try introducing you to some more people when we get back?”

“I don’t know...The- Look, the point is, I’m sure he’s lovely, most people are. But, what’s not lovely is the fear that they will realise that… I dunno.”   
“Feel free to correct me, but I have a feeling that you do know, but are just afraid to say.”   
_ Come on, Evan. Teru told you to try being more open with your feelings. Besides, you told Ishikawa this right from the bat. _ “Sometimes I wonder if I was right for this job. I’m just a kid with too much ambition to be healthy. I get in my own way and I fuck up, and I dunno. Am I...ready for this? Am I- I’m scared that one day everyone will realise that they’re better than me. And what happens then? Do they leave me? Do I lose all these new friends I’ve made?! I don’t think I’m ready for that. I only just got here… What if I lose it already? I don’t wanna blow this.”   
  


There was silence for a moment, and all Evan wanted to do was run. He already regretted this. This was exactly why opening up made him feel awkward. God, why wasn’t Ishikawa saying anything?! No wait, were they speaking. Their mouth was moving but Evan couldn’t hear a word. Welp, in situations like this, there was one option he could always go for!

Run the fuck away.

  
Thank the God he only believed in when he needed someone to blame that he’d been standing in the doorway. It was easy to just disappear. He wasn’t a fast runner but adrenaline and fear were spurs in his sides. He had no idea where he was going just  _ away _ . God, he was overreacting and he knew that but right now he just wanted to be on his own and out of this situation. Fuck it, the door in front of him would do. He had no idea where it would lead but it would have to do. 

It was a big open space. Good. Good. He felt less suffocated here. There was a...what was that? Oh well, he didn’t care. A ledge off the edge ( _ haha nice, his subconscious rhymed!) _ which he sat down on, swinging his legs over it. And that was when he realised where he was. This was a stage. Huh. Oh well, it would do. It wasn’t as hidden as he would’ve liked, but he hadn’t really thought about where he was running. There was something nice about the feeling of being alone in a place that was usually full of people. The empty seats weren’t as threatening as a performer would find them. His heartbeat slowly returned to normal as he fidgeted with his stim toy. God, he regretted making a scene out of this. He should’ve just not opened up, not been a little coward about something that shouldn’t have been a big deal. He held his head in his hands, running his hands through his hair. That was a nice texture he could focus on.

There were footsteps behind him. Probably Ishikawa. Great. “I’m sorry, Ishi.” The photographer slowly looked over his shoulder, confirming his suspicions. “I shouldn’t have said all of that. It’s not fair of me to dump all my issues on you.”   
“Do you really worry about all that? That everyone is going to leave you behind?”   
“...Yeah. I’m sorry.”   
“For feeling things?”   
“...Yeah…”   
“Evan, surely you understand that’s something we all do?”

“I mean I guess, but it feels...wrong when I do it.”

“What’s so different about you that means you aren’t allowed to?”   
“I already cause everyone enough trouble. It’d probably be easier for everyone if I just shut up and stopped being like this.”   
“Is it alright if I give you a hug?”   
“Please. God, I’m so sorry.”   
  
There was something about that moment. Evan wasn’t sure what it was, but something about it just made his worries melt away. He was safe here, in Ishikawa’s arms. His constant stream of anxieties felt a lot quieter. “I can’t fix what you’re going through.” The producer spoke in a quiet voice. “But, I can let you know that no one is going to leave you behind. You matter to us. And, it’d be a shame if you left us.”  _ So this is what being loved felt like. _ “I know you have a low self esteem, and speaking from personal experience, it takes a long time to feel better. But you’ll get there. And, if you’ll let us, we’ll be there for you to help you along the way.

So this is what being loved felt like.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just like that I'm out of backlog! :tada:  
> I guess that means this isn't getting any updates for a while because I have pretty much completely run out of motivation! Yay!!!! Will I write other stuff in the meantime? I mean, hopefully but probably not. God I love burning out /j

It’d been a month since that call with Ishikawa, now. And it’d quite possibly been the weirdest month of Evan’s life. He’d got his first job, got some new friends for the first time in too long, and well, was feeling better about life. Sure, he was still feeling like an anxious wreck half of the time, but that was now only half the time, compared to what had originally been all the time. So, progress? Why was that even a question, of course it was progress. No matter by how much or how little, he was better than he’d been when he started at 315Pro. And that was good.

Right now, he was simply just catching his breath. Taking a moment to just lie there and think. Usually whenever he felt the need to do this, it was because he was sad. It was rare that he needed a moment to process how...good life felt. First, there’d been Haruna. Making him feel welcomed right off the bat with that dumb introduction to all his friends. It was like he had no fear of strangers. That had been wonderful. Someone looking at him and immediately seeing a friend? That felt good. That felt really, really good. Then, Teru had done similar. After only talking to Evan a few times, he’d let him open up about some issues on his mind. Ever since, the idol had kept an eye on him. That had been sweet of him. He hadn’t had to. No one had asked him to, but he’d chosen too. Maybe some people were just born kind. After that, the whole ordeal with Yusuke had happened. And that hadn’t only made Evan feel cared about, but it had made him feel this strange feeling of being included. People noticed him and wanted to talk to him. How mad was that?! That felt nice. That felt...really nice. Pierre had come along a few days after that, and being vulnerable with someone hadn’t felt so scary. Wearing his heart on his sleeve for a minute or two and opening up about how he felt hadn’t terrified Evan for once. He’d been scared that after the incident with Ishikawa at the venue, he’d revert back to his bottling stuff up attitude again, but...he hadn’t. That interaction had really helped a surprising amount. The others had felt like small steps, but that moment on the stage in that hug, with that soft but bright feeling in his chest, that moment had made something go  _ click _ in his head.

315Pro was home now.

It’d only been in his life a short while, but in that time it had just become his life now. That was what he did with himself now. Going to the office, talking to people he was familiar with, doing his job, all no longer felt like threats. His anxieties faded when he was there. It was his safe space now. Sure, there was still school, and still things that took up his time and energy and made those fears come back, but if he needed to unwind, the office was always there for him. That feeling of support he could fall back on? That felt nice. That felt good. That felt like all the things he’d been missing during the Haze era. The fog was clearing and the sunrise was visible. Things were slowly looking up. For once? Evan felt optimistic about everything! That’d never happened before, but he absolutely liked it. In those nights where he was unable to sleep, it was no longer because he was clinging to the last hours of alone time before the stresses of the day started up again, it was because he was spending the night texting and talking to his co workers. Yeah! That was a thing too? He was talking to people outside the times when he was forced to see them! He never did that! What was the world coming too?

He chuckled to himself as he thought it over. He was happy with where he was now. Was it the ideal life? Completely perfect? No issues? Of course not. But it felt good. It felt like home. It felt like nothing else mattered when he was around them. And that feeling made him feel better about the rest of his life, too. It was probably stupid how much one month meant to him, but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He felt happy. When was the last time he could’ve said that? 

He checked his phone, no new messages. That was probably a good thing. He needed time to unwind, if only for a moment. He yawned, stretching his arms above his head and giggling a little when they cracked into place. He should probably work on fixing that. Maybe he’d google some easy stretches to do, or ask one of the idols, they were bound to know. Oh hey, that was cool. He’d never really thought about improving his physical health. Maybe life was looking up even more than he’d expected it to! He pulled his hoodie off his frame, hanging it up on the back of the chair. His bedroom was looking cleaner these days, which was another good sign. One good change in his life and suddenly everything clicked together. Huh. It felt ridiculous how worried he’d been about whether or not to take the job, in hindsight. It had already done so much for him, and only after a month. That was good. That was...really good.

  
He already felt tired when he got into bed. That was a good thing, too! It meant he was doing something. It wasn’t tired in the ‘Life is exhausting and I want everything to be over’ way, it was more of a ‘I want to go to bed so I can see my friends tomorrow and feel refreshed’ feeling. And he liked it! He folded his glasses and placed them beside his bed, before shutting his eyes and rolling onto one side, knees tucked into his chest. He could rest now. He would see the others tomorrow.

Life was good now. Life was really, really good now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for indulging my dumb shit


End file.
